Obama declares war on Alaska, reported the Alaskan newspapers, not in the least over the top. "Obama will negotiate with Iran - why won't he impose sanctions on negotiate with Alaska?" wailed Lisa Murkowski.
I remember those halcyon days of planning the War On Alaska. “We’ll seize the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge from those oil companies. The polar bears will greet us as liberators!” said an unnamed Pentagon official. “I delivered pizza during the #BlizzardOf2015 - whaddya mean, Alaska's cold?” asked a three-fingered New Yorker. The naysayers, warning us that we'd be overextended fighting both this and the War on Christmas, were outshouted.
In Seattle, our armies shone like leaping salmon. What a sight! - the EPA in the vanguard, the green groups tweeting: #ProtectTheArcticRefuge, Hilary positioning her troops one millimeter to the left of center with surgical precision in order to take credit should the battle rage into fall 2016.
The march north decimated our troops. We tried supplementing our rations with crab and seafood til the defiant Alaskans built the Pebble mine to poison the waters around us. We resorted to warming ourselves with the overheated rhetoric of Alaskan Republicans. On moonless nights, the trees sang the word salad of Sarah Palin, inducing insanity in all who heard it.
Murkowski, bedecked in fur, met us at the border. “You’ve declared war on a sovereign country!” she cried, til an aide whispered in her ear, “I mean, state!”
“This man, this person, has gone completely wacko,” Rep. Don Young said, heedless of the surrounding shards of a broken mirror.
But in the end, we could go no further.
Blame Barack, blame Joe, blame the Pentagon boys of summer.
Like Napoleon facing the brutal Russian winter, like Hitler marching on St. Petersburg, we were turned back by the weather. Yes, we elected to take the coastal route, only to find bogs and bays where firm ground once stood. Our maps were useless in the face of the rapidly warming Arctic.
The vicious melt did us in.
And that was the end of the War On Alaska.